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[helpdesk_hero]

This is David Alleyne, I'm not available at the moment.
Please leave your name, contact information, and what this is regarding after the beep.

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[portolan]

[ Balthier's waiting outside, but his eyes are focused on the distance and his lips are pressed together in a tight line. He doesn't react to David immediately.

When the sound clicks with his brain, he shakes himself a little, giving David a weak smile. ]

Hey, love.

[ But he doesn't move to greet or kiss, his mind back to doing circles. ]

[helpdesk_hero]

[Well that's not a good sign. So he reaches out to pull his love into his arms.]

You're definitely out of it, love.

[portolan]

[ Touch does a lot to bring him back to his body. He exhales deeply, letting himself think about David's smell and the feel of pressure around him. He hugs back lacklusterly, but the gesture is extremely appreciated. As is the attentiveness to his mood. ]

I am. Let's go upstairs.

[helpdesk_hero]

[David shifts his bag to the left hand and takes Balthier's hand in his right before pullign him up the stairs.]

I could probably make us something to eat if you need.

[portolan]

[ He still feels dulled, but he gives a weak smile at David's hand in his and the offer of food. He hadn't come for support in that way, hadn't expected it, really. It's foreign to him. ]

Maybe after. I'm not hungry. But thank you.

[ He misses a step and stumbles into David.

Oh, he's off. ]

[helpdesk_hero]

[That's what he's going to get from his boyfriend. David is devoted and nurturing. Though when Balthier trips, David moves to wrap an arm around Balthier to hold him up.]

Okay, now I'm worried. Are you hurt? Do you need a cane?

[He could create one for the man.]

[portolan]

No, I'm fine.

[ Okay he's definitely not fine. ]

Physically. I -- I think I just need to talk. [ Which, for someone who talks so much he's incredibly poor at.

He lets David stabilize him and focuses on placing his feet firmly on each step. He's more aware that his mind is slipping away, trying to retreat from his body. He's glad he asked to see David; he realizes he doesn't want to be alone with his thoughts, or the images lurking at the edges of them. ]

[helpdesk_hero]

[From there David is quiet as he guided Balthier up to the apartment. Doesn't even pause in the living room, just guides the man through to David's bedroom and beyond that into the lab. Then he closes the door behind them.

Once they were closed in he punched in a code at the door into the room, and then put his hand onto a panel, channeling his power through the technology in the lab and room to ensure they have privacy from all but magical and telepathic surveillance.]

Alright, let's sit you down.

[portolan]

[ Balthier drifts to where David leads him and, released, leans against a work bench. He should sit but he's afraid of collapsing in on himself and isn't ready for that yet. ]

I -- my supervisor was murdered yesterday. I found out this afternoon when the guild sent added security.

[ But it's not his supervisor's face that's in his mind. ]

[helpdesk_hero]

[Ah, that's... complicated. David reaches for Balthier's hands and holds them.]

I'm sorry for your loss.

im switching to prose yolo

[portolan]

Loss? It's not that, or at least not that person. But then David's hands are holding his, and he finally looks at his love. That helps. He's here. And David already knows about this, even if Balthier feels like it's huge and untouchable. There's nothing he's risking by saying it. And not saying it seems to only be making him worse.

"I didn't really know him," Balthier says. "But I -- it's reminding me of my father." His voice is tight. He means to say more, but it gets caught in his chest.

That's fair

[helpdesk_hero]

Of his father? David frowned before reaching out to wrap the man in his arms.

"I don't know how, but I can listen if you want."

[portolan]

The support makes his breath come more shakily. He could just stay in this hold, accept food, be made to laugh. He doesn't have to do this.

But it'll just come back. He felt better when he talked to David after the Expo -- maybe...maybe he should try.

"I don't remember what I told you," he says quietly. "I keep seeing his face as he died. He was free of Venat, the god or demon or whatever you want to call him." That was it. That was the part that made his stomach want to empty itself. The words get stuck in his throat again, and a sob catches in his chest.

But Balthier spent his whole childhood learning to cry quietly, and so it's a muffled thing that shakes his body more than it makes any sound.

[helpdesk_hero]

That's nto enough. Sometimes you need to sob. David wraps the man more tightly, then encourages the man to bury his face against David's chest to cry.

"I'm sorry, Balthier. Fate is cruel, to put you in a place where you had to stand against a father driven mad by someone else."

cw narc parent + childhood trauma

[portolan]

"That's the part I can't --" His voice is so quiet. "I don't think Venat drove him to it."

He's not making sense.

"I thought -- He -- the influence was gone, and he was the same." There's so much more he needs to say, to explain, but that finally pulls the tears.

Scions he'd come to talk about security worries and now his knees are buckling and he can't get his quiet sobs under control.

No one's held him while he cried in....years.

[helpdesk_hero]

The influence was gone and he was the same.

David hated this. A lot. Massively.

"You deserved better than that," he insisted, stroking his lover's back. "Your father wasn't worthy of you. But you still loved him. It's okay to remember any good you had with him. The love you may have had. You can hate what he became, what he did, and still love who he was once. Still long for what he should have been."

[portolan]

That was the thing. The last good things he remembered were...before his mother left. He was an actual child. And they were memories of the man being proud of him. No, of what he could be.

Still, David's words release an actual proper sob.

"I thought -- when I found out he was being controlled, I thought I had a reason. I thought he'd changed. But he -- he was always that."

He hasn't ever talked to anyone about this except Fran, and one or two friends way back in school. Why is it coming up right now? He doesn't want to talk about this. Doesn't want to think about it. But he's the one who brought it up.

It was so much easier when he just...ran away. And Cid had seen that on him. The way he always saw straight through Balthier to Ffamran. So why was it Balthier could never see through him?

"I'm sorry. I don't know why this is hitting me today. I didn't mean to--" And he's clutching David so tightly, face fully pressed into him now.

[helpdesk_hero]

"It's okay," he says, voice soft and trying to keep it as soothing as possible. He deserves to know that. "It's okay to grieve and cry. And it's happening now because something in what you saw made you think of him. Grief is... it's like a box with a button in it, and an inflatable ball. Some days there's a lot of air int he ball, and it's so big it hits that button so much easier. Today you've got a really big ball in your box."

[portolan]

He lets David soothe him, because what else can he do? He just wants to put this all back in that box and not think about it.

But there's something good, too, in letting some of it out. Like the pressure that he's compressed tighter and tighter is getting let off a little.

"Thank you," he manages. His face -- and David's shirt -- are wet with tears, but they're still quiet. He hasn't hit uncontrollable. Doesn't want to.

[helpdesk_hero]

"I'm here for you," David said. "Always. You know that, right? I'm going to be here for you."

And that's really all he can do. Be there for the man he loves.

[portolan]

That was the problem, though. The people who promised they'd be there...were until they weren't.

He doesn't want to believe that of David. Hells, a huge part of him doesn't believe David's capable of abandoning someone he cares about. But the rest of him is terrified, and he just holds fast, trying to calm his breathing. This is all in the past anyway. Nothing's changed, not in a decade. What does it matter?

"I'm glad you're here tonight," is what he manages to say. And he does mean that.

[helpdesk_hero]

It was the problem. And David had lost people too, people who promised. And it hurt. Hurt so much.

"Let me make you some tea," he says, his voice soft. "You need more than just me, you need fluids. And then I want you to tell me good memories of him."

[portolan]

Balthier has just about gotten his breathing under control again when David makes the suggestion to share good memories. Something in him recoils, and he pushes away from David. "No," he snaps. He's aware how angry it is even as he says it, heels of his hands coming to his eyes.

"That's what this is all -- there are no good memories."

It's always been this way. Trying to explain something is wrong and being met with the answer that he's tired, he's emotional, he's focusing on the bad. That something must be controlling his father. That there's some rational answer.

The answer is -- has always been -- that his father never loved him. And it's so much easier to believe that's because of some god or curse but.

But he's been thinking about it these past months, in quiet snatches. And he can't find the evidence that it was ever different.

Has feared that since he was 16. Since he ran away and...nothing. Just mild irritation that his plans were disrupted.

[helpdesk_hero]

That was more than he's expected. A lot more. A lot different. David... just backs away a step and looks at him, clearly confused and hurt.

"I'm sorry," he says, his voice an ashamed whisper.

[portolan]

David's pulling away which is the last thing Balthier actually wants, but he understands why. He pinches his nose with his fingers, trying to figure out what to say.

"It's not you. Please -- I'm sorry. This is why I don't talk about things. I just make them worse."