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[helpdesk_hero]

This is David Alleyne, I'm not available at the moment.
Please leave your name, contact information, and what this is regarding after the beep.

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[helpdesk_hero]

I've never considered roleplaying in the bedroom.

[portolan]

[ oh! ]

If it's something you want to try, I of course will be happy to oblige you.

That does not mean you have to, or that you have to like it if you decide to try it.

[helpdesk_hero]

I wouldn't even know where to begin with that.

[portolan]

Usually with a character.

Now I'm just teasing. Honestly, it's something I did more when I didn't particularly like the other person than not. But it can be fun. Not that we are lacking any amount of fun in the bedroom. You are exquisite.

[helpdesk_hero]

Oh. If it would connect you to memories of those you don't like, I'll hold back.

[portolan]

I don't ever want you to hold back.

[ The truth is, replacing bad memories with good is a lot more healing than avoiding them. But he doesn't know how to say that without feeling...pathetic. ]

[helpdesk_hero]

I don't know how to do any of that, if I'm honest. Learning what does and doesn't work for me is... hard. Too many echoes of other people and their desires to always be sure of my own.

[portolan]

I’m not pushing. Or judging. Just letting you know if you want to try something I’m generally going to be willing. Even if you don’t know what you’re doing or if you like it. Maybe especially then. You should get to explore and learn for yourself.

I worry constantly I’m just the product of other desires forced on me. I think you’d tell me that’s silly. And before you tell me it’s not the same, I think it is. We all are blurry around the edges of where we end and the world’s hold on us begins.

[helpdesk_hero]

Honestly, the roughness we got up to was the only thing I was sure of. The bit of praise was... jarringly wonderful to me. There is so much I don't understand of myself in the end.

If there are things you want to explore with me, I'll welome it.

[portolan]

I'm much the same, dear one. I'm still learning and relearning. There are so many things I don't understand about myself, so many things you make me question. It's mostly a welcome adventure, but it's frightening at times, to see how much I don't know.

I have no agenda or current requests. I must emphasize again how wonderful being with you was. And yes -- if it wasn't amply apparent your roughness was divine. I will remember to praise you again. But I do like the idea of exploring with you and alongside you as it comes up.

Really, David, my chest gets tight whenever I think of a relationship with you. The kind that spools out into the future and changes shape even as it grows roots. I haven't let myself want that in a long time, and it's been so easy to with you. Impossible not to.

I think I'm using this medium wrong. Here I am just writing you a letter.

[helpdesk_hero]

Being with you was a wonder. I promise. Though exploration is a new way of earning each other. It will be the best way I think.

Yeah, that's a wall of text. I'll be simpler. I love you too. Deeply.

[portolan]

Why aren't you somewhere I can kiss you?

[helpdesk_hero]

Because that's just how living apart from each other works?

[portolan]

That doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm sighing dramatically.

[helpdesk_hero]

You do all things with drama.

[portolan]

It's one of my better traits.

[helpdesk_hero]

Yes, but the drama is all for looks, and not because of needing to be the center of all attention.

[portolan]

[ He rereads that one a couple of times. He feels extremely seen and can't decide if it feels wonderful or if he feels naked in a situation he very much does not want to be. ]

I fear you've discovered my secret.

[helpdesk_hero]

It's poorly kept, my love. Or at least in the eyes of someone that has known a lot of people who want drama just so they can have attentionl.

[portolan]

[ His stomach tenses and he wants to think about something else, even as he feels torn between the pressure of shame and the pressure of relieved tears.

He isn't so sure, that he doesn't do it for attention. Honestly, it always feels like he could use more, but has asked for too much. Being entertaining is a way to ask while giving something in return. And he just likes things done with intention. ]

Please let me know if I ever am demanding too much attention.

[helpdesk_hero]

You aren't demanding too much attention. I don't think you could demand too much of mine, provided I could still go to school and you didn't get creepy obsessive to the point where I wasn't allowed to see my friends.

I've known people to start fights just so all eyes are on them. That's what I mean.

[portolan]

You do know I love how deeply you care for your friends and are extremely active in your work, yes?

But thank you for the assurance. I can think of people who fit the latter and you're right; that has no appeal to me.

[ His father, on the other hand...And Wilhere. ]

[helpdesk_hero]

I am glad to hear it.

Good. You appeal to me as you are.

[portolan]

And you've seen more of me than most.

[ But it feels good to hear it, and different after the comedown from the expo. ]

[helpdesk_hero]

That happens when clothes come off.